On Misnomers

The American Heritage Dictionary defines the word "epic" thusly:

ep·ic (ěp'ĭk)
n.
An extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a legendary or traditional hero.
A literary or dramatic composition that resembles an extended narrative poem celebrating heroic feats.
A series of events considered appropriate to an epic: the epic of the Old West.

adj.
Of, constituting, having to do with, or suggestive of a literary epic: an epic poem.
Surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size: "A vast musical panorama . . . it requires an epic musical understanding to do it justice" (Tim Page).
Heroic and impressive in quality: "Here in the courtroom . . . there was more of that epic atmosphere, the extra amperage of a special moment" (Scott Turow).


And yet, somehow, I've been seeing ads all over TV for a movie called Epic Movie that (poorly, in a completely un-funny manner) parodies the likes of Legally Blonde, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and the greatest non-epic of them all, Nacho Libre. Now, I'm aware that this movie is simply the most recent in a series of vapidly parodic peices of big-studio schlock (a series that includes the genius of the Scary Movie franchise and the astonishingly incisive Date Movie franchise), but you'd think (or, rather, I'd think) that some fresh-outta-high-school studio drone in charge of fact-checking would have looked up the word "epic" before putting it in the title of a movie that lamely makes fun of Motherfucking Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane.

Seriously, folks! The English language: it's fun for all ages! How's about we all learn to speak it?

And by "how's about we all learn to speak it," I didn't mean to imply that I support any of those goofy "English is the official language of racism" propositions. I simply mean that, for those of us for whom English is our purported mother tongue, we seem to be able to communicate more effectively if we, for general conversational purposes, use the right word at the right time. I propose, as a more apt title for this movie, "Big-Budget, Hollywood, Mindless, Piece-of-Poo, Waste-of-My-Time-and-$8 Movie." Any objections?