It's not that I really have intended to stop writing. It's just that it seems I can't. I have ramblings I'd like to express and films I'd like to discuss. But I can't.
As I think I mentioned a few posts back, this Seasonal Affective crap has really thrown me for a loop this year. And yes, it's a real thing. Palpably real. And miserable.
Actually, it hasn't been this bad since my freshman year of college, when I'd just moved to New Jersey and the snow didn't ever completely melt from the middle of October until the beginning of May. I really thought I was losing my marbles. The only comparable experience I've had was when I decided it would be a good idea to screw around with my usually very evenly regulated hormones (i.e., I went on The Pill for 6 months-- never again!).
So, nothing's wrong. I don't make enough money and my job alternates between frustrating me and boring me and, of course, I seem to be entangled in some typically unconventional relational situations (or, at least, I'm entangled in my own head. Participation of others is subject to interpretation)-- but none of that is any different from the usual year-round rhythms of my life.
But I can't stop crying. I wake up and I feel ok, even though my sleep cycles are even more out-of-whack than usual (typical fire-sign insomnia, exacerbated) and then I get into my car to drive to work and the only thing preventing me from falling apart is the simple vanity that I don't want to show up at work with mascara rings under my eyes. Or I get to work and manage to hold it together through the morning hours, but I soon find myself staring spacily at the grid on my office ceiling, willing the tears away (I will not cry at work. I will not cry at work. I will not cry at work.). Or, I proudly soldier through an entire work day and then I collapse into passionate, unweildy sobs as I navigate Georgetown traffic on my way home.
And still, nothing is ACTUALLY wrong, other than my brain chemistry being all half-mast and off-kilter. About the only reprieve from feeling sad that I've been getting is when I feel frustrated and annoyed that I'm so sad all the time. Frustration and annoyance are clearly preferable to this other overwrought, heightened, interminable sadness. Clearly.
Either way, I feel crazy.
And it doesn't help that it's just barely mid-December and the DC area has already seen a significant snowfall and another is predicted for this weekend. Nor does it help that I can't actually remember the last sunny day we had here.
Nor does it help that I arise in the dark, leave my apartment shortly after sunrise (spending a grand total of 25 or so seconds outside as I walk to my car), park in a garage underneath my office building, elevator up, work all day in an office with no windows, elevator down, drive home after dark and spend another 25 or so seconds walking from my car to my apartment. Clearly, three quarters of a minute is not adequate time for my retinas to register enough sunlight to create a sanity-sustaining serotonin level in my puny frenzy of a brain.
I am a mole-rat.
Most of the time, I can manage a little yogic trick. If I adopt the stance of the objective spectator in relation to my own self, I can watch myself feeling so sad, realizing it's a physiological sort of sad (as opposed to a psychological sort), and muster enough sense to realize that I'll weather the storm-- but even this variety intellectual detachment doesn't much help me turn off the friggin' waterworks. It's merely a management tool and does little in terms of solving the problem.
So, thank god the winter solstice is only 10 days away. I can only hope that, as the days begin to lengthen, I'll be able to think like a person again-- and maybe write something of substance.
Until then, fair reader(s).
5 comments:
>So, nothing's wrong . . .
>But I can't stop crying . . .
>And still, nothing is ACTUALLY wrong, other than my brain chemistry being all half-mast and off-kilter.
>Either way, I feel crazy
But, lemme guess, nothing's wrong? (Wait are you being ironic? I can never tell.) Of course, something is wrong, you feel like crap! I speak as a co-SAD-er. But I've learned to deal with it, only after my doctor reminded me that it's ok to feel like crap. This came on the heels of a meltdown in his office when he asked me, "How can I help you today?" all I could say was "I don't know." Then came the meltdown. (My GF had said told me to make the appointment or she would do it for me.) You can learn how to deal with it, with or without medication, but you probably already know that don't you?
It was 78 degrees in Nashville yesterday. We're not sad, but we're all sick with various ailments. hope you're feeling better soon.
Thanks guys! I do think I'm managing, but I'm pretty resistant to the idea of medicating this problem. My body tends not to tolerate synthetic pharmaceuticals particularly well and that course of action is likely to set off a cascade of rashes and other assorted issues. Right now, the Happy Lite is doing just about all it can for me... and, like I said, it's now only 9 days until the solstice. Perhaps I oughtta convert to wiccan, go out and dance around a bonfire, and have a big ol' orgy to celebrate the lengthening of days. Surely that would pull me out of my funk...right?
In my experience, the Wiccan orgies were never that good. However, dancing around a bonfire never fails to enliven the spirit.
Marjorie -- glad to see you are a little more full of piss and vinegar than yesterday. I agree on resisting the pharmeceuticals, and will suggest ways of dealing with 'energetics' as a more effective and less destructive approach to feeling better, physically and mentally. Michael Rossoff, who often works in the DC area, is about the best macrobiotic counselor I know of. http://www.michaelrossoff.com/ I didn't know till I looked up his website for this post that he had been doing so much acupuncture, but that is also very good. In Nashville, for acupuncture et al, I can recommend Lihua Sheng, OMD, 577-0995 at the Lotus Center in Berry Hill. Plan ahead for that appointment tho, cause she is busy. Longer days will help, of course, but there are ways to not be miserable, even in the dark. All best, Dana
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