Much prodding of beach rubble to come

The above title is a reference to one of Sappho's fragments that my friend Frances often quotes. I think the most common translation is something like "Those who are squeamish should not prod the beach rubble." I begin this post, which is likely to lead into a little bit of an intermission between movie posts, in such a way because I am about to begin a detox, followed by a little fast. I do not have plans to do as my friend Jason did and post pictures of the contents of my toilet as I navigate this little project (if anyone really wants to know, I think they're still out there. I can supply the link), but let this serve as fair warning that I do intend to document my progress here... and it may get a little ooky now and again.

I'm doing this because last week, I had yet another one of my recurrent bladder infections. From what I gather, yeah, sure, plenty of girls get these... but I'm telling you! They're really the total opposite of fun. Well, once my usual spasms had progressed to the point where I was peeing pink-- and staying up all night, thinking that reading my friend Jennifer's memoir manuscript-- which is a remarkable onomatopoeic screech of gorgeous writing -- was just about the only thing exciting enough to distract me from the needles in my urinary tract--I figured I'd better succumb and go on an antibiotic. Usually, my body hates foreign chemicals and rebels in all sorts of interesting ways. But this time, I'd made it all the way through my round of pills... and even several more days... but then, yesterday, I awoke to a sensation something akin to spiders crawling around my kneepits. But though I was itchy throughout the day, yesterday was manageable. Today, however, I think I would enjoy ripping the skin right off the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet very very much. And same goes for any place covered with hair. No, I'm not kidding. And no, I don't have crabs ( I did actually check... prior to reminding myself just exactly how unlikely that particular diagnosis is). But, yeah, so, I've got yet another creeping rash... and so, my solution is to smoke out as many nasty synthetic compounds from my body as possible... via my very own amalgam of detoxes and fasts.

My first step-- which will commence upon completion of this post-- will be to guzzle a quart of salt water. Everyone I know says that you really kinda have to be sitting on the pot to do this step because it acts pretty darn fast. I'm a little scared about this part. I don't like peein' out my butt. Really, I don't. And don't you worry. I'll let you know EXACTLY how it goes.

My next step will be to eat three days worth of weird mixtures of vegetables, for which I just went and spent $100 at Whole Foods. My poor checkout girl was slightly flummoxed when I arrived with pretty much one of everything from the entire produce section. The bad part about this step is that I have to eat healthy grains like millet and quinoa, for which I do not particularly care. The good part is that I get to eat a LOT of tomatoes. OK, really? I eat a crazy amount of tomatoes anyway. Pretty much every night, I eat about a pint of cherry tomatoes for dinner. Just because I love them so.

The step after that will be to repeat the unpleasant salt water flushing business.

And then I'll begin my fast in earnest. I hoping to be able to pull it out for at least 5 days. All I get to eat is this concoction made from water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper (that may sound distasteful to some of you, but I enjoy all the ingredients, so I'm hoping for the best). And I also get as much, uh, water (!) as I want!!! The guide to this fast says that I should do it for a minimum of 10 days... and if I really wanted to, I could go for 40 days drinking nothing but that weird lemonade stuff. That seems just a touch ambitious for a hedonist such as myself but we'll see how I feel 5 days in.

So, needless to say, the stuff that's really off my list right now includes caffeine, alcohol, meat, dairy, sugar and wheat. At least, those are the main things. I'm thinking I'll probably have a little caffeine withdrawal headache for the first couple of days... and shortly after that, I'll do that food obsessing thing that happens when you're just so friggin' hungry... but then, all the literature says that that fades and that you start to feel quite normal. I'm hoping to not encounter too many of the odors that the body is supposed to emit while ridding itself of the assorted venoms of the typical American diet (I self-flatteringly assume that my normal diet isn't all that typically American, seeing as it's so heavily weighted with tomatoes and greens and other fruit, but I do keep a pint of icecream in the freezer and I do put heavy cream in my chicory/coffee every morning, so I'm no food-saint). But I'm really really really hoping that I can get a little respite from the spare tire that seemed to show up long about the time I turned 24.. and hasn't loosened one iota since, regardless of strenuousness and frequency of my yoga practice. Oh, spare tire, how I hate you. How eagerly I anticipate your departure.

And now I commence. I may or may not spare you the details.